funny jokes
| Back to humor. fiberpools (2012-03-18) |
New Lawyer
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"
The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."
mikeriley (2012-03-19 12:04:27)
funny jokes
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
__________
Party Supplies
brenden95 (2012-03-21 07:35:41)
12 years ago
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"
__________
Football Picks
efficient (2012-03-22 05:40:52)
12 years ago
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
__________
Electrician Scottsdale
robbinsmith (2012-03-26 09:20:53)
12 years ago
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!
__________
Digital Forenciscs Arizona
acampbell (2012-03-27 09:12:55)
12 years ago
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
__________
Window treatments Raleigh
msalexander (2012-03-28 08:32:43)
funny jokes
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!
__________
Computer Science Programs
wood (2012-03-28 14:46:38)
12 years ago
Can u believe what people do in the church these days?
I was in the church listening tothe priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.
I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of beer i was holding fell on the floor.
__________
Windows DC
shanecosta (2012-04-02 08:51:04)
12 years ago
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
__________
health insurance Encinitas
msrhode312 (2012-04-12 13:47:55)
12 years ago
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
__________
Patio Furniture
brianconer (2012-04-13 13:00:13)
12 years ago
Bush was in Afghanistan on a visit, talking to Osama Bin Laden.
Osama would ask Bush questions, and when Bush gave a response
Bin Laden didn't like, he pressed a button, and a giant boxing
glove would hit Bush in the face.
When Osama came to America, he and Bush were talking. When Osama
said something Bush didn't like, he pressed a button, and
nothing happened. Osama kept answering questions, and Bush kept
pressing the button, but nothing happened.
When the day was over Osama said "When we get to Afghanistan,
i'll show you how we really do things."
Then Bush responds with a smile on his face "What Afghanistan?"
__________
RV Cover |
msalexanderjohn (2012-04-16 08:23:47)
funny jokes
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready."All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
__________
Ratchet Straps
dfrancis (2012-04-16 13:08:48)
12 years ago
Question to Radio Jerewan:
Is it true that ghosts of the dead appear quite
often in the older parts of the Kremlin?
Radio Jerewan answers:
In principle yes. Stalin visited quite often recently.
__________
tow strap
steveevarts (2012-04-17 06:57:16)
12 years ago
A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's
been without for so long. Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex
four times. After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in
four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.
"How's the food there?" asks the hooker. "Because I'm going in there
tomorrow!"
__________
Interior Design NJ
simonjones (2012-04-17 14:40:27)
12 years ago
There once was a man he was very clumsy, idotic, and forgetful.
His wife was very tired of his ways and wanted to change him.She
thought and she pondered over what she'd do. i'll teach him a
lesson that he wont forget she said. The next day she told her
husband that if he could not complete the task she was to give
him shed leave him. She made him wrie the following on a peice
of paper: I am sofa king we tod did.
She told him to balance the paper on his head and at the same
time memorize the words.She made him still jumpup and down with
a glass of water and the paper over it , w/out wetting the
paper, still she made him memorize the words. Then that night she
announced in front of him and his friends,"what do u have to say"
He proudly announced "I am sofa king we tod did"
.........(translates to i am so fucking retarted)
__________
Disney World Tickets
mrwetson12 (2012-04-19 07:18:55)
12 years ago
One cold winter day a couple of kids were playing hockey on Lake
Ontario and a vicious dog ran up and started biting one of the
kids' legs. Thinking fast the other kids took his hockey stick
and started beating the dog until it was dead.
A news reporter for the Toronto Sun was walking by and saw the
entire incident and came runny up to the kids. He pulled out his
memo book and starts writing: "Little Leafs fan saves boy from
vicious dog." The boy said, "I'm not a Leaf fan."
The reporter said, "Oh since you lived in Toronto I just figured
you were," and crosses out what he had written and started to
write again: "Little Blue Jays fan saves boy from vicious dog."
And again the boy said, "I'm not a Blue Jay's fan."
The reporter thinks for a minute and said, "Oh since you live in
Toronto I figured you were either a Jays fan or a Leafs fan, who
do you cheer for?" The boy replied, "I'm a Habs fan." So the
reporter flipped to a different page and started to write:
"Little French bastard kills beloved family pet."
__________
Orange County Property Appraisal
martinwhitman (2012-04-24 12:12:27)
funny jokes
One day a 5 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy named Tommy.
Teacher : Tommy do you see the tree outside?
Tommy : Yes
Teacher : Do you see the grass outside?
Tommy : Yes
Teacher : Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy : Ok (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
__________
San Francisco probate attorney
apoloniabede (2012-04-26 13:18:34)
12 years ago
One day, Hanson and the Spice Girls were all on an airplane, and
they get into a discussion.
Baby Spice stated "You know, I could toss a thousand dollars out
the window of this plane and make one person very happy." Then,
the oldest Hanson brother said, "Well, I could toss ten one
hundred dollar bills out the plane and make ten people happy."
Then Sporty Spice said, "Well, I could toss one hundred, ten
dollar bills out, and make one hundred people happy!" Then the
middle Hanson brother very proudly said, "Well, I could toss one
thousand, one dollar bills out the window and make one thousand
people happy!"
Sick of the discussion, another passenger said, "Well, I have a
better idea, I could toss all of you out the window and make the
entire world happy!"
__________
Orthognathic surgeon
alastairebert (2012-05-22 07:48:08)
11 years ago
The year is 2050 and Bill Gates has recently died. He goes
to God and God says to him," Would you like to go to Heaven or
Hell?" Bill isn't sure so he asks for a preview of both. First
God takes him to Hell. Bill sees fancy cars, piles of money,
and naked Playboy models. Then God takes him to Heaven. All
Bill sees are fat, naked babies with wings floating around.
Bill decides to go to Hell. God says he will check on him in a
week. A week later, God goes to Hell and finds Bill burning
under the Devil's torch. Bill says to God," Where are the cars,
money, and women?" God replies," That was just a screen saver!"
__________
Milwaukee painting
zahoorjee (2012-05-28 09:41:46)
11 years ago
Men are like Bluetooth:
He is connected to you when you are nearby,
but searches for other devices when you are away..
Women are like Wi-Fi:
She sees all available devices
but connects to the strongest one...
__________
ERPs in Pakistan
paulclinton2 (2012-06-04 07:52:18)
11 years ago
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days . . . and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"
__________
IT company Los Angeles
davidbrandon (2012-06-05 13:21:34)
funny jokes
One day, Hanson and the Spice Girls were all on an airplane, and
they get into a discussion.
Baby Spice stated "You know, I could toss a thousand dollars out
the window of this plane and make one person very happy." Then,
the oldest Hanson brother said, "Well, I could toss ten one
hundred dollar bills out the plane and make ten people happy."
Then Sporty Spice said, "Well, I could toss one hundred, ten
dollar bills out, and make one hundred people happy!" Then the
middle Hanson brother very proudly said, "Well, I could toss one
thousand, one dollar bills out the window and make one thousand
people happy!"
Sick of the discussion, another passenger said, "Well, I have a
better idea, I could toss all of you out the window and make the
entire world happy!"
__________
pest control Kansas city
paulrobertz (2012-06-07 07:19:28)
11 years ago
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. The guy asks
the doctor, ''What do you think is wrong with me?''
The doctor replied, I can clearly see you're nuts.''
__________
corporate housing los angeles
superimperial (2012-06-08 11:54:59)
11 years ago
George W. Bush and Al Gore went to a fancy resturaunt. The
waitress came and asked what they wanted. George said, "I want a
quickie." The witress slapped him and walked away. George then
asked Al what he did wrong. Gore told him it that was pronounced
"queshe."
__________
houston wedding venues
pwhjenny (2012-09-30 12:55:42)
11 years ago
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill
you.
Read more at:
adamsonjack (2012-10-31 08:44:20)
11 years ago
The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme
Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post
Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie
in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile
work environment.
__________
dumpster los angeles
jackpullins (2013-02-06 11:12:09)
funny jokes
Allegedly at the "Manhattan Project" where the first nuclear reactor was built, security was very tight and the workers were told not to tell their families what they were doing. During a security check the families were asked if they knew what their working parent did at work. One young lad replied that his father worked in a place that made light bulbs and toilet paper. When asked how he knew, he replied that his father brought a roll of toilet paper and a light bulb home every day in his lunch box.
__________
medical billing nj
eiichirooda (2013-02-07 11:34:25)
11 years ago
There once was a gal named Lewinsky,
Who played music like a Stravinsky.
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that goo off of your chinsky."
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.
__________
limo Washington DC
kulcsararmand (2013-02-08 10:58:36)
11 years ago
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
__________
Phoenix Car Title Loan
bennelong (2013-02-15 13:09:04)
11 years ago
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
__________
Increase Web Traffic
buyfacebo (2013-02-18 12:06:38)
11 years ago
A jealous woman can investigate better that FBI.
_____________________
Purchase facebook fan
matthiassc (2013-03-13 12:46:05)
funny jokes
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
________________
funny paranormal romance
developmyapps (2013-06-25 12:36:23)
10 years ago
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was disappointing because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
____________________________
Ipad App Development
*kunova (2013-07-10 07:16:41)
10 years ago
Doctor:
How's your headache???
Patient:
She is out of town :P
developtheapps (2013-07-10 07:37:28)
10 years ago
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.
__________
iPhone Game Developer
androidgamed (2013-09-03 08:11:12)
10 years ago
Read Carefully A Letter By A Student: . Dear BOARD Of Education, . . . . . . . . . . . . I’m Also BORED Of Education..
______________________
Android Game Developer
blackberryapp (2013-09-16 09:03:54)
funny jokes
Wife: i hate that beggar.
Husband: y?
Wife: yesterday i gave him food today he gave me a book '' how to cook'' !!
____________________________
Blackberry App Developer
appsdevelop (2013-10-02 09:30:26)
10 years ago
A Moment Which Almost Came In Everyone's School Life
.
When A Teacher Points At You And U Look Behind And Then Say
"Who? Me?" =O :P
developeraaps (2013-10-03 08:43:23)
10 years ago
1999 Kids : I want my bed near Window
to see the moon&stars.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2013 Kids : I want my bed near the
mobile charging slot..
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