Funny Jokes

Back to humor.

mickey96    (2011-03-11)
Funny Jokes

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

mickey96    (2011-03-11 20:35:58)
Funny Jokes

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."


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djerrys    (2011-03-25 12:25:21)
13 years ago

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.


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datarecovery    (2011-04-01 13:31:55)
13 years ago

A man, has some tests done. And he asked the doctor whants wrong? The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says I have some good news and some bad news. The paitent says, alright what's the bad news. The doctor says I have to amputate your leg. The paitent askes, what is the good news? The guy in the bed beside you has an offer on your slippers. LMAO


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andersnilson    (2011-04-02 10:55:17)
13 years ago

The teacher says: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?

The student says: Obviously it's the past tense.

Present Tense: I am beautiful.
Past Tense: I was beautiful.
This is funny because the teacher isn't beautiful now, but maybe she was beautiful when she was younger.


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jamaun    (2011-04-05 13:21:22)
13 years ago

Clouds r white but the sky is blue, monkey like u should b kept in the zoo, dont get
angry ull find me there too, not in the cage but laughing at u. ha! ha! ha


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beatricedns    (2011-04-13 08:48:22)
Funny Jokes

I like to read and listen jokes which provide me refreshment and relaxation. i am so excite and happy by reading the jokes given here. all these are cool and so funny. its create extra ordinary entertainment and enjoyment.


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coustomwood    (2011-04-29 07:31:45)
13 years ago

Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without
ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!


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henrycolton    (2011-05-04 11:59:45)
13 years ago

When u feel sad....
To cheer up just go to the mirror and say,
"damn I am really so cute" u will overcome your sadness.
But don't make this a habit.....
Coz liars go to hell !!!! :lol:


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jamesbresnan    (2011-05-06 06:56:47)
13 years ago


I am getting married because
I am tired of eating out,
cleaning house & doing laundry

I am taking divorce for same reasons!



rmartin    (2011-05-11 08:51:53)
13 years ago

It takes a long time to find true love
When it leaves you

You can find another true love very easily.


Experience dude!!!!!


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boneb    (2011-05-13 12:07:03)
Funny Jokes

A Simple fact:

Boys Can Never B
Satisfied With
3 Things In Life:


There Is Always
A Better Model
Available In Future ;)


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suniljeans    (2011-05-23 13:20:32)
13 years ago

After a quarrel, wife said to her husband,

"you Know, i was a fool when i got married with you."

The husband replied, "yes, dear,

but i was madly in love And I didn't notice."


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bailquote    (2011-05-26 07:58:39)
13 years ago

A young girl after her honeymoon
came fully exhausted and tired,

When her friends asked her what happened?

She replied :
When this 70 year old bastard told me
he has saved a lot from last 50 years,

"I thought It was MONEY"


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addyson    (2011-05-30 08:47:32)
13 years ago

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.


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michlejohn    (2011-05-30 19:10:40)
13 years ago

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.


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cjohnson    (2011-06-02 07:03:20)
Funny Jokes

nice one bailquote.....its really funny....i m still laughing.


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robertzakari    (2011-06-02 11:17:08)
13 years ago

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.

She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.

The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."

The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.

He told her to climb again and she did.

when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"


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abiram    (2011-06-06 09:44:47)
13 years ago

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.

yeoman    (2011-06-10 14:17:11)
13 years ago

Sardar sent SMS to his BOSS:
"Me sick, no work"
Boss SMS back:
"When I am sick I kiss my wife try it"
2 hours later sardar sms 2 boss:
"Me ok, ur wife very sweet"


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jtrott    (2011-06-15 08:13:46)
13 years ago

Wife:-I will die.
Husband:- I will also die.

Wife:-why will you die?
Husband:- because I can't bear that much happiness


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davidberman    (2011-06-17 08:19:51)
Funny Jokes

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."


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sunilsamuel    (2011-06-17 19:17:17)
13 years ago

Wher's My Husbands Clock?

One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a
car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven.
She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?"
He says "Soon, I have some things to take care of."
So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions
of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would
turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back
and Hillary asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?"
St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man
commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.
Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh, it's
in God's office, he uses it for a fan."


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bobconley    (2011-06-21 08:02:54)
13 years ago

2 men went 2 a callgirl.
1st went in and came out n said
"Na my wife is better."
2nd went in and came out n said
"U R right ur wife is much better."


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martinwhitman    (2011-06-27 13:02:13)
12 years ago

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'


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jackhope    (2011-06-30 06:58:09)
12 years ago

Santa: I tried ur number so many times, it always said ‘Switched Off’!”

Banta: No! It’s my HELLO TUNE!


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timcadman    (2011-07-04 09:50:07)
Funny Jokes

A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has d habit of talking in sleep! wat shud i giv him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen hez awake


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sunilsamuel    (2011-07-04 18:28:03)
12 years ago

Ever see a skinny guy  on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top -- nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.


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aldonogen    (2011-07-06 08:25:14)
12 years ago

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.


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kfavro    (2011-07-06 08:25:58)
12 years ago

Do u know similarity
between Dinosaurs and Decent Girls?
Both don't exist.


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chucks    (2011-07-07 08:22:24)
12 years ago

Boss : why do you want some off time tomorrow.
Ali : I want to be married .
Boss : who stupid girl is being married with you.
Ali : she is yours daughter sir.


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bobabbot    (2011-07-08 08:35:28)
Funny Jokes

A man and a woman were dating and she was holding out until marriage. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the highway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
“I can’t stand it anymore,” she told him. “Let’s play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I’ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants….At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. Hisgirlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him out, but he was stuck.

“Go to the road and get help,” he said. “I don’t have anything to cover myself with!” she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. “You’ll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her.

So she went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull him out!”

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, “Ma’am, if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’s a goner!”


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olinmax    (2011-07-08 09:23:33)
12 years ago

this is very ambitious, but  I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.


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sunilsamuel    (2011-07-11 21:11:32)
12 years ago

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.”

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.


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johncalvin    (2011-07-12 08:06:15)
12 years ago

Top Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"
From the Late Show with David Letterman

10. You dedicate "I Will Always Love You" to Saddam Hussein

9. Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"

8. North Korea says if you lose they'll stop producing enriched uranium

7. Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben"

6. You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi" playing cards

5. You've already appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"

4. Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets

3. You cancel your performance to stay home and watch "Jag"

2. Simon beats you with the microphone stand

1. Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask


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christopher48    (2011-07-13 09:12:38)
12 years ago

Woman Buys A New Sim
Card Puts It In Her Phone
And Decides To Surprise Her
Husband Who Is Seated On
The Couch In The Living Room.
She Goes To The Kitchen,
Calls Her Husband With
The New Number:
"Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds
In A Low Tone:
"Let Me Call U Back
Later Honey, The Dumb
Lady Is In The Kitchen.. =P


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johnehodgkin    (2011-07-14 07:49:27)
Funny Jokes

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.


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justingates    (2011-07-20 14:00:39)
12 years ago

Why were males created before females?
Because you alwas need
a rough draft before the final copy.


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sunilsamuel    (2011-07-20 17:03:11)
12 years ago

A couple had been divorced for about 6 months, but still remained good friends. This worked out pretty good since the both lived in the same apartment building. One day he slipped on the ice and broke his arm. Later he met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. He responded, "Well yes, if it's not to much trouble, could you help me take a bath?" She readily agreed and soon after she began washing him she saw a gradual erection began to appear. "Look John", she exclaimed happily "It still recognizes me!!!"


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billylatsko    (2011-07-26 14:01:04)
12 years ago

4 Stages of marriage:
Mad for each other.
Made for each other.
Mad at each other.
Mad bcoz of each other.


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mdonald    (2011-07-27 11:09:50)
12 years ago

A middle aged man asked the trainer in gym:
"I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?"
"Sir, Use the ATM machine....":-)


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dashawn    (2011-07-28 07:40:54)
Funny Jokes

Once I asked my wife that “husband is like a white wine which is more precious as time passes” very next day she locked me in cellar

johnlincoln    (2011-07-28 09:39:44)
12 years ago

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."


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sunilsamuel    (2011-07-28 18:29:39)
12 years ago

A girl wore a sleeveles dress.. On right arm she wrote C & on left arm L evrybody askd her, wat it means ??
She said: It means COOL


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harrion12    (2011-08-01 13:28:33)
12 years ago

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."


"I hid his teeth."


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davidlyndon    (2011-08-03 11:41:48)
12 years ago

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"


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sunilsamuel    (2011-08-04 16:31:32)
Funny Jokes

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.


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sunilsamuel    (2011-08-04 16:32:43)
12 years ago

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten..."


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jerrymartin    (2011-08-05 11:29:32)
12 years ago

There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"


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shanesmith    (2011-08-09 07:44:11)
12 years ago

A Boy Was Going With His Girl Friend
Friend Asked : Who Iz She?
Boy : My Cousin.
da Friend Said: Last Year She Was My Cousin.!


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davidcarson    (2011-08-09 10:42:14)
12 years ago

There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

Man at bar

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.

When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”


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johnbrendon7    (2011-08-11 09:23:24)
Funny Jokes

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"


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sunilsamuel    (2011-08-16 14:21:54)
12 years ago

Oh the Internet is slow

The Net is Slow

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.


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sunilsamuel    (2011-08-25 17:15:45)
12 years ago

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."


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johnunwin    (2011-08-26 09:07:41)
12 years ago

Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


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smithhennry    (2011-08-29 07:39:55)
12 years ago

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."


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stuartjohnson    (2011-08-30 10:07:22)
Funny Jokes

A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.

The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."


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patrison    (2011-09-06 07:49:36)
12 years ago

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"


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sunilsamuel    (2011-09-06 20:27:22)
12 years ago

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"


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goergecoleny    (2011-09-08 07:43:33)
12 years ago

Computer users are divided into three types:

Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.


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albionjames    (2011-09-08 13:13:57)
12 years ago

There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"


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rjayson    (2011-09-09 14:52:13)
Funny Jokes

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.



davidwilliam    (2011-09-14 06:59:57)
12 years ago

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.


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jameswright    (2011-09-14 10:03:43)
12 years ago

Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.

If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family.
Because the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues!


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sunilsamuel    (2011-09-20 16:04:41)
12 years ago

Why does a man prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

Why does a man like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


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davidrojas    (2011-09-21 08:19:32)
12 years ago

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife"s wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:
"No, you can"t have those! They"re for the funeral!"


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markgalvin    (2011-09-21 11:21:41)
Funny Jokes

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"


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matthew63    (2011-09-22 08:01:37)
12 years ago

A Sardar Doctor and Pundit loved same girl.
Pundit started giving an apple to the girl everyday.
Sardar Doctor asked: WHY ??
Pundit: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!


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alandonald    (2011-09-23 09:12:39)
12 years ago

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"


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charlesmike    (2011-09-27 07:42:42)
12 years ago

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.


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stevejohnson    (2011-10-04 12:19:51)
12 years ago

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."


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sunilsamuel    (2011-10-04 17:05:35)
Funny Jokes

Overheard at a party:

The bookmakers are taking bets on who Donald Trump will marry next (a serious remark).

Odds are: Marla Maples 34 to 1, Elizabeth Taylor 5000 to 1, etc. etc., and Boy George 65000 to 1.

Someone else who overheard suggested that The Donald would place a large bet on Boy George and marry him to collect.


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abdonshaun    (2011-10-06 09:55:52)
12 years ago

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."


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johnlouis    (2011-10-06 18:31:26)
12 years ago

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


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abelcade    (2011-10-10 11:14:35)
12 years ago

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"


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allisonmike    (2011-10-10 13:55:32)
12 years ago

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."


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sunilsamuel    (2011-10-10 21:36:18)
Funny Jokes

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant.

‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’


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apoloniabede    (2011-10-13 11:29:11)
12 years ago

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't
pout when I yell at them."


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sunilsamuel    (2011-10-17 21:00:09)
12 years ago

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and Ipassed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. What do you think? I asked. Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?

Better get a bikini, he replied.

You'd never get it all in one.


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addamcarlyle    (2011-10-24 08:16:04)
12 years ago

To be a “Good professional”,
always start to study late for “Exams”.
Because it teaches how to manage “Time”
and tackle “Emergencies”!!


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alasdair    (2011-10-25 13:41:27)
12 years ago

3 monkeys escaped from zoo!
Ist watching T.V. 2nd plays soccer n 3rd is...
Not u yaar ! 3rd is eating banana.y u r always think u r a monkey


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sunilsamuel    (2011-10-25 19:22:33)
Funny Jokes

i love to read blond jokes....

here is my favorite blonde joke

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'


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alastairebert    (2011-10-27 11:58:43)
12 years ago

Some times small
things in life
hurt a lot.....
If u don't agree
with me....
Then >>>>
Try to sit
on a Common Pin !!


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richardson    (2011-10-28 07:36:36)
12 years ago

boy: how do i play the guitar????
girl: u should be on TV for ur talent :|
boy: am i so good??? :D :O
girl: if u were on TV,, i can atleast switch it off .


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bertiecallum    (2011-10-31 08:26:06)
12 years ago

There are two farmers in a small village.They have been togeather since childhood.They say they
are very close friends.They are both married but only one of them has children.The other one is suffer


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clotildabacon    (2011-11-01 11:54:44)
12 years ago

I was sitting in a bar one time and I saw a Jewish man walk in
and sit down to have a drink. After a few drinks a Chinese man
came in and sat next to him. The Jewish man immediately turned
and punched the other man in the face.

The Chinese man shouted, "You fool! What was that for?" The
Jewish man replied, "That's for Pearl Harbor." Chinese man said,
"You idiot, I am Chinese not Japanese!" Jewish man replied,
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

The Chinese man proceeded to punch the Jewish man in the face.

The Jewish man clutched his jaw and said angrily, "Owww, why did
you do that?!" The Chinese man replied, "That's for the
Titanic." Jewish man said, "But an iceberg caused it to sink,
not me!"


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paulwesley    (2011-11-02 11:37:33)
Funny Jokes

An english man and a desi man were both going to a interview. They were asked to use the colours green. pink and yellow. The english man goes in and says the grass is green, the sun is yellow and the sunset is pink. The desi man goes in and says my phone goes green green i pink it up and i say yellow!!


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burgesschester    (2011-11-03 10:20:18)
12 years ago

Miss Paddington is in Paris and is visting "Louvren" the famous
french museum. She looks at the paintings and suddenly she says,
"Is this a dreadful painting or what! I can't belive that a
respectable place like this could have such a horrible piece of
art in its collection."

"Pardon, Madame!" one of the staff says, "But it's not a
painting, it's a mirror."


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michealjames    (2011-11-04 06:41:12)
12 years ago

There was a man and a woman in an old folks home. The man says to the woman, I bet you can't guess what age I am. The woman says I'll give it ago, but first pull down your pants, the man pulls down his , then the woman says pull down your underpants, so the man does. The she taps around down there :D and she says your 97. The man asks, how do you know that? The woman answers, because you told me yesterday


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abatedakes    (2011-11-10 06:49:54)
12 years ago

One day an Aggie and a Longhorn (football teams) were applying
for the same job, the manager said, ok, you both go home and
make up a poem using the words "Timbuck Too" the next day they
both came back, the longhorn read first. "Over the hills, I do
see too, my eyes stuck like glue, Timbuck Too." the manager, put
the poem from on a scale from 1-10, an 7. then it was the aggies
turn " One day, a fine hill we went, we saw 3 fine ladies in a
tent. The ladies said "There's 3 of us and two of you," so, I
said "I buck one, and Tim, buck too!"
Now just imagine who won...


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jeffclark    (2011-11-10 10:24:42)
12 years ago

An airline introduced a special package for business men.
Buy ur ticket get ur wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave a same reply...
"Which Trip ?" :-


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algernonbuck    (2011-11-11 11:34:19)
Funny Jokes

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a
colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact,
there are three doctors there already!"


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aloysiusbarb    (2011-11-15 08:24:07)
12 years ago

Theorem: All positive integers are equal.Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.Proceed by induction.If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B.Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.


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baldwincaren    (2011-11-16 12:11:54)
12 years ago

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true", the woman
wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest
of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering,
then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO


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charlieadam    (2011-11-17 06:35:40)
12 years ago

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
His father asks: "Why?"
Johnny says: "The teacher asked me 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Johnny: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father reacts: "What's the fuck difference?"
Johnny: "That's exactly I said!"


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carenberg    (2011-11-17 11:30:20)
12 years ago

A rookie officer pulled over a guy who was speeding.
officer:May I see your license?

Man:It is not valid.It has been revoked 5 times.

officer:Well then can I please see the registration to the car?

Man:this is not my car.I carjacked it.

Officer:Well open up the glove box and let me see who it is regitered to.

Man:I can't open up the glove box, it has my loaded gun in there

About this time the officer is reaching for his gun.


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janescandy    (2011-11-17 11:49:43)
Funny Jokes

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Patty: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Patty: Seven!
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Patty: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Patty: Seven!
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Patty: I've already got one rabbit at home now!


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janerichi    (2011-11-21 13:34:49)
12 years ago

Blonde Shoots Herself
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."


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markanthony1    (2011-11-22 06:27:28)
12 years ago

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”


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jackvale    (2011-11-23 10:25:01)
12 years ago

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming...
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


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kristinaalford    (2011-11-23 13:15:36)
12 years ago

All Out of Anaesthetic
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"


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dawsongabriel    (2011-11-24 06:56:30)
Funny Jokes

Number One Sport
A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.

The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."

The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."


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ronhall    (2011-11-24 15:40:56)


12 years ago

Doctor: sorry , reports got mixed up.
We don't know if your wife has AIDS or Asthma!

husband: What should i do now?

Doctor - Send her 4 jogging,
if she returns, don't sleep with her!


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joejonas    (2011-11-24 18:49:04)
12 years ago

Difference b/w shit & Oohh shit:
A boy Threw a love letter to a girl
but it fell on her brother..
And Her brother was GAY..
Oohh ShIt


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kevinnash    (2011-11-25 06:49:24)
12 years ago

A Funny man & his wife go to a coffee house. Funny man buys 2 cups of coffee.

Funny Man: Drink quickly... drink quickly... before it gets cold.

Wife: But why...

Funny Man: They charge Rs. 50 for hot coffee and Rs 100 for cold coffee.


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markjett    (2011-12-12 07:17:55)
12 years ago

Finding The Car
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy.

'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.

'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.

'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.

'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.


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ronhall    (2011-12-15 15:32:14)


Funny Jokes

Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?
A. Drizzle

Q. Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson

Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men?
A. He thought it was a home delivery service.


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davidhall2    (2011-12-19 11:47:55)
12 years ago

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"


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billdavid    (2012-01-16 11:16:17)
12 years ago

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

abelcade    (2012-01-30 07:08:21)
12 years ago

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."


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coleman64    (2012-01-30 13:47:33)
12 years ago

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."


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alexj    (2012-02-01 16:27:59)
Funny Jokes

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".


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braydendaz    (2012-05-09 14:08:31)
12 years ago

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.

"In a closet," he replied. "I wanted to know what life really is."

"And have you found an answer?"

"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."

"That's all well and good," replied the colleague, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"

"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."


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groverb    (2013-01-17 07:44:14)
11 years ago

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"


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