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johnston    (2011-12-22)
jokes..


Feel better now
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"
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Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."



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danielaustin    (2011-12-27 13:40:07)
jokes..

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his
lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

__________

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ronhall    (2011-12-28 19:21:00)

ronhall

6 years ago

A Husband said to his wife One day

"I don't know how you can be so stupid
&
so beautiful all at the same time"

The wife responded ,
"Allow me to explain,
God made me beautiful
so you would be attracted to me ;

God made me stupid
so I would be attracted to you !"

__________

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walsh    (2011-12-29 10:38:22)
6 years ago

3 Shots of Whiskey
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

__________

Baby Doctor


oscargiles    (2012-01-02 08:04:08)
6 years ago

Always give 100% at work.......

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

__________

HealthInsuranceMissionViejo


alexj    (2012-01-14 11:03:38)
6 years ago

Swallowing Coins

1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.

3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

__________

Body Armor


gordonwells    (2012-01-18 13:08:05)
jokes..

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

__________

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samsamuel    (2012-01-24 07:06:52)
6 years ago

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

__________

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lieberman    (2012-01-25 11:08:52)
6 years ago

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

__________

Detroit bankruptcy


fletcher26    (2012-03-01 07:42:07)
6 years ago

Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

__________

Chicago Truck Accident Attorney


mikerobertson    (2012-03-06 06:26:33)
6 years ago

Farts With Lumps
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

__________

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davidpol5    (2012-11-02 13:43:32)
jokes..

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

__________

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arthurdoyle    (2012-11-05 11:41:13)
5 years ago

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

__________

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blackberryapp    (2013-10-08 13:37:51)
5 years ago

Arguing with stupid people
is like killing the Mosquito
on your cheek.
You might or might not
kill it, but you'll end up
slapping yourself.


appsdevelop    (2013-10-09 09:51:03)
5 years ago

It’s the thing that satisfies
ur mind, body & soul!
Do it on bed, on a sofa,
in the car or anywhere!
It’s called Prayer!
God bless ur naughty mind.

__________

Iphone Developer


appsfacebook    (2013-10-21 10:10:42)
5 years ago

Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin?

A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

__________

Facebook Applications Development


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